Clearly I have taken a huge break from everything, including blogging. But I feel like I'm slowly finding my way back to the things I love. Life really took me by surprise the last couple months and to be honest, it hasn't really let up. I think I'm just learning to be comfortable with the change more and more everyday.
I always say that growth hurts. Well, I'm pretty sure a lot of people say that, but things hit different when you think you're content with your life and you get too comfortable, but it all gets pulled out from underneath you. We all are striving to get to a stopping point in our life. We seek to hit our peak and stay there for as long as possible and to my own surprise, mine lasted about three and a half years. But what's sad about the whole thing, is I wasn't even at a peak in my life. I just thought I was.
They really weren't kidding when they said love was blind, were they? Love sure is a drug. The highs are far and few, but they have us so high that we destroy ourselves for more. I honestly can't think of a more accurate description of love right now, but I can also understand that at the young age of twenty-five, this is temporary. Right now? I'm in rehab.
I've closed myself off and found other people and things to fill in the blanks..for now. I won't allow myself to think too much to the point of being sad anymore. I've run out of tears. I've cycled through my grief and clearly understood exactly where it is that I stand now.
It's just me, myself, and my problems. But I've reached an age where I can help but think, "is this a phase? or is this becoming a problem?" I've spent my lifetime so far searching to be loved, waiting around for someone to come along and stop the repetitive cycle of my being taken advantage of and history sure does keep on repeating itself. It only gets worse with time. Now I'm just starting to wonder if I am even able to be loved by another person. I think only we really know how to love ourselves and I can't think of one person who can willingly admit that they are neglecting themselves nearly every second of the day.
You can't play victim. I can't play victim anymore. I've sat around and spent a lot of my time pointing fingers at other people for the mess they made of me, but really, I've been the only thing constant in each of my realities. So many people would tell me to STOP and don't take the blame, but as accountability seems to be the topic of the year so far, I figure there is enough to go around.
I should've loved myself better. I should have valued my own intellect. It almost seems as though I've been mocking myself for years by not listening to the very logic I use to advise my own friends. So far, I haven't been wrong about much, so why didn't I listen? How did I get here?
And so many people must be asking themselves? Geez. What even happened? Because I dropped off the planet and isolated myself, enough to where some would notice. Well? I am newly separated and organizing a divorce. For a while there, I couldn't bring my words to conjure up an explanation for what happened because not even I understood what happened. Even still now, I don't know how I would explain any of it.
"Oh well, you don't have to explain it to everyone."
Well, that's a shitty copout that we tell people to make them feel better. Yes, it's not anyone's business, but everything that has happened in the last few months is helping me evolve into the next, better version of me. How could I leave it all out of the time line? It's working to become one of the biggest parts of my story! And it has to, or else it was all for nothing. We have to take every negative situation and strive to find a positive outcome, no matter how difficult the task may be.
Since I've been home far more often, feel free to stay tuned. I have every intention of letting everything go.