It feels like a century has passed since I had last seen you or talked to you. I miss you a lot. But I'm not going to call.
A lot in my life has happened and I had to learn some very hard lessons when it came to my boundaries. That meant that those boundaries had to apply to our relationship too.
I made a lot of wonderful memories that I will never forget, but when I made some realizations about our friendship, I had learned that it wasn't authentic anymore... It actually never was.
I had spent many years of my life sitting in your backseat as you drove through life and I waited for every moment when you needed me. I felt like I was the friend who cleaned up the messes that other people made. You let everyone else who treated you wrong have your happy and you only gave me all your sad moments. Doing my due diligence as a Best Friend, I listened, I dried your tears, and helped you move along. I loved you so much, I was willing to hand you the world on a silver platter.
When I left our hometown, I felt as though I had left you. I did everything possible to make up for this and traveled thousands of miles to ease the difficulties I thought I had caused in our friendship. I was a servant who was then unable to serve you, so my value to you had decreased. Every phone call was consumed with complaints and requests that caused attempts to fix all your pain through a 20 minute phone call. How I was doing was never discussed and I wasn't doing okay at all and I needed my Best Friend. I went without. Throughout all my life struggles, I was an expert at putting them aside to continue to try and move mountains for you, but it was too heavy. When I told you that, you made me feel unworthy.
You take all you can and refuse to give. You have always had this idea that you shouldn't have to put effort into your friendships because you've convinced yourself you don't need anyone, when in fact, you are extremely co-dependent. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to rely on your friends, however, if that is the standard in your friendship, they should be able to rely on you too. The definition of our friendship was exclusively based on the ideal that I make you feel better about everything you do or don't do in your life. You couldn't handle any constructive criticism. As Best Friends, we should've had integrity and shared even the hard things to hear. But you never listened. Instead, you would threaten our friendship until I agreed with absolutely everything.
The day came when I had a happy moment in my life. I wanted you to be a part of it and you said you wanted to. But soon enough, every word you said was added to my list of broken promises. This was the one and only time I asked you to make a small sacrifice in my regard and you wouldn't do it. Not only would you not do that for me, you wanted me to make you feel better about not being a good friend to me.
I was hurt. I was ditched last minute. But, I was also over it. Because through over a decade of me giving so much to you, you couldn't give me one thing. Throughout my frustration, I asked, "why?" so many times. Was I not good enough?
But it wasn't that. It wasn't that there was anything wrong with me. You just sought out validation from people and you craved it. You wanted peoples' attention and when you didn't get it, you threw a fit and went down your list of people. No one wanted to do it for you, until I (at the bottom of your list) took it upon myself to do the hard work. That didn't mean there was anything wrong with me. It just meant I wasn't willing to give you all this attention anymore. My priority was no longer you; it was me. And I know what you would say to all of this.
You would come up with a way to say your family is your only priority and that you didn't expect anything from anyone and you didn't need me in your life. You would tell me that I'm being ridiculous and wrong and you could care less if I was in your life.
That's the kind of thing you told a friend who stuck around for 10 plus years, who practically serviced you. All of the sudden, I expected you to be capable of caring for yourself and stop begging for my reassurance in co-dependent way, and you punished me for it. You told me I didn't matter, because it always made me feel bad enough to give you what you wanted.
But then the day came when I said, "That's enough." You were no longer invited to my happy. I didn't want you there because I knew somehow, you'd make it about you. You said you wouldn't call back and I didn't want you to; for the first time, I knew I wasn't calling you either. I loved you, but I still won't call. All the years you knew me, you knew better than anyone that I was tired of waiting to be loved back. That included you and you never figured it out. I always gave all of myself away without saying a word and soon enough, I ran out of things to give. I couldn't take it anymore and at some point we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and know when to say,
I hope someday you learn how to survive on your own. I hope someday that you learn how to properly maintain a healthy relationship. I wish nothing but love coming your way. I truly hope that you no longer allow your insecurities to keep limiting your life. I sincerely hope you stop putting your life on hold and giving everything you have to all the people who do you wrong. I hope you are able to make amends with many you have hurt, and if you cannot MAKE amends, I hope you LIVE those amends and become a better person. I hope you grow an understanding that every relationship is 100/100 when it comes to effort and any type of give and take.
I am also sorry. I'm sorry I gave up. I'm sorry I couldn't see it through and work it out. But I had to choose me and that, I cannot be sorry for. Because all the while you loved me wrong and I wasn't a priority in any way, I stepped up and starting loving myself the way I deserved. It was not because of you that I discovered where to draw my lines; it was the love I had for myself that taught me this.
All in all, I wish you luck, love, and growth. Nothing more and nothing less.
Your Ex Best Friend.