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secret ecstasy

We all have a period of time in our lives where we build relationships suddenly, but in a whisper because, for some reason, no one can know. Imagine how it happens, as I'm sure it has happened to you.


You make eyes with one person and sparks are flying all around the room; However, no one else can see it. In a passings glance, the unspoken invitation lingers in the air but constantly tempts the spontaneous parts of your mind. You can keep shaking it off all you want, but you know that you will be stuck face to face with the inevitable future. And then you're there.


Just one kiss.

Just one touch.

Just one time.

Just one week.


Always beginning and always ending.


It's exhausting. Never knowing what the future brings. Never knowing how to act.


The worst part, is they find a way to make you feel important. Always "there", but never present. Hearing the proclamations of affection and genuine care warms your soul when you've felt cold for so long. So, the secret becomes what feeds you, over and over, like a drug calling your name every time you close your eyes.


You can't stop thinking about them. You can't find anything else that brings you this level of euphoria, so you secretly hope for their non-verbal invitations. All of this, just to give yourself away to someone who will recklessly destroy you.


Every drug you must come down from.


Paranoia.

Pain.

Sadness.

Exhaustion.

Insomnia.

Anxiety.

Fear.

Desperation.


You love so easily but are never loved in return. The crash; Oh God, the crash. You feel like you're not allowed to be sad, because you weren't supposed to say anything in the first place. All your friends want to know what's wrong with you, but you can't say anything and they won't understand. Nothing even happened anyway; Nothing that would shift the universe. It only shifted you. Forever changed, with no recognition, no closure, nothing. Everything feels still; you're sensitive to sound and quick movements. And you can't help asking yourself why you're so numb. Even if you did talk about it, what would you say?


Were you together? Well, no.

Were you going to be? Well... no.

Did he say he loved you? hmm.. no.

Did you spend much time together? Not really.

How often did you see him? Well, whenever I could stop by and he was free.

Did you guys talk about what you were? Nope.

Did you have a falling out? No.

So what even happened? Nothing.


It all just stopped.


It's because you accept the lie. You accepted the non-existent reality where you matter to someone because you've been longing for it for so long. You figured your presence, actions, and never forgetting those little things about him would SHOW him that you're the one for him. But he missed it. He missed every part of it and didn't even want it anyway.


Maybe he needed an ego boost. Maybe he was lonely. Maybe you made him feel good and confident about himself for the first time in forever. Maybe you were his stepping stone back into the playing field. Maybe you reminded him of his worth and he decided you didn't meet his needs. Maybe he was bored. Maybe he didn't even think about it at all. Maybe he doesn't notice at all that it even mattered.


Because the way he looked at you in the hallway after your meeting at work seemed rather normal. And not the secretive normal; just normal normal.


Don't talk to him about it. It makes you look weak.

Maybe you should talk about it. Proper communication is good and maybe even attractive.

What if I end up shedding a tear? God, he's gonna think I'm crazy.

I'm crazy for even thinking this hard about it.

Maybe I should just pretend I don't care.

What if he really does care, and me pretending I don't drives him away when I love him?

Fuck it. I should only love people who choose me unconditionally.

Why the hell do I even care this much?

God, he's a fucking prick.

Damn, I am irrevocably in love with this man.

I'm going to talk to him.

Nevermind. I look stupid.


SCREAM.


You never know when the last time, is the last time. None of us pay attention.


One last kiss.

One last touch.

One last time.


And then you'll go to the meeting every Monday at 2 o'clock, habitually checking for THAT smile. with the creases in the corner of his eyes. The slightly crooked smirk. That certain glow in his eyes. And you'll never see it again. Because, it was just an illicit affair.


Then you're just alone again. As a matter of fact, you always were.



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