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my serenity

I know it's there somewhere. Somewhere to rest my head. Somewhere to call home. Maybe someone to call home. Whatever it is; it's somewhere, coming, going, evolving, growing, waiting, or maybe even knowing when it'll come - when they'll come.

I just need somewhere to rest my head. Every day, I have to constantly weigh serious life decisions that could drastically affect a whole other person. People do not understand how tiring that is, how old it gets, how weary I feel. Every day just waiting. Doing it all alone.

I don't even know you yet and I need you; my serenity.

I like to be forthcoming so those who do come my way know exactly what they are dealing with. There is likely nothing I would withhold. I am intrigued by questions that challenge my beliefs, mostly because I'm so tired of refining everything myself. But I hate baring my soul to people and it turns out to be a waste of time. I hate when people don't redeem themselves or try a little harder to be your friend. It's so hard to hope and trust a person when you have no idea if they have your best interest in mind.

I just want someone to care about my best interest. But trust, what is that?

Is it believing that someone will always act in your best interest?

Or is it believing that you'll be able to handle it if they don't?

Will I ever get to rest my head? Will any of us really have a place to relax our mind, body, and soul?

Sometimes I wonder if my belief that something or someone will come is exactly what keeps me so dissatisfied. Maybe my standards really are too high; not for people, but for the universe. Someone once told me that, "any level of expectation comes with a certain level of disappointment." Maybe it's time for me to let go.

Maybe it's time for me to be okay with being tired and alone. Maybe it's time for me to stop putting stock in the best interest of others and put stock in mine. Maybe I am home. Maybe I am my own serenity.

I don't even know you yet and I need you; my serenity.

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