I know it might seem a little weird that I have this typed out, but I really needed a way to put my thoughts down and read it over; also, so you can read it a few times too. I think I’ve been such an open-minded person because life is really hard. I know that with every hand we are dealt, it’s not easy to play the game on your own. We all have highs and lows and we can’t judge each other for that. That’s why I’m so quick to forgive people. I’ve always had a true belief that if I only see the good in people, then they would only see the good in themselves too.
In our case, I love you and see so much untapped potential. I see the good in you. I have for so long and that’s why I’ve always reached to hold you accountable in your personal growth, regardless of how it may affect me. I laid down so many things of mine because I wanted you to feel like you could also blossom, just as I was trying so hard to do over the last couple years. And that’s my fault. I should have never stopped putting myself first, because someday it would catch up to me; and I do believe today is that day. Regardless of egos and intentions, I thought I could push myself to stay loyal and continue to just love because someday, you’d be yourself again or maybe you would change and be a better man.
I’ve been begging for a lesson in all of this because I wanted to let it all go and hope that everything would be okay between us. But I think my biggest lesson learned was that no matter how much I may love you and care, my love for you will not push you to be a good man. My love for you will not push you to be a good father. My love for you will not push you to grow. These are things you must do on your own. As for accountability, that was a promise we always made to each other, and to be honest, I hope you do not stop on my behalf. But being that I’ve taken time to think about this lesson, I have reached a conclusion that my love cannot fix people. And I’ve always thought it could.
Now, I know that you ARE working on yourself. Because the shoes you wear now once fit me so well, I understand that this will take some time for you to heal and redesign yourself. Which brings me to me: How will I let everything go and heal? Well, I honestly believe that I cannot heal with a dark cloud lingering above me. I know you’ve promised me that this will never happen again, but being that history continues to repeat itself, I know I will continue to worry for a very long time about it. That will cause me to walk on eggshells, which will prevent me from any healing at all. I think that the way forward for me is to do exactly what it is I keep saying I’ll HAVE to do. I need to let it all go. I need to let YOU go. I need to take away the worry and stop living my life on the edge of my anxiety. I need to make these issues go away from my mind so I can heal my heart. That means we have to go our separate ways.
I vowed to you that I would never let you question your worth and for years, I did what I could. I can remind you, but I can't make you believe it and see it for yourself. I think over time, you gave up on everything slowly because you underestimated your value. I know that no one does that on purpose, however, it does have a significant impact of your life and the people around you. I really hope you find what you're looking for. I hope you find what you need. I hope you find drive.
I hope you never give up on yourself again.
Find your happiness, no matter how far you need to go.