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My Chaotic Life: Part 2

Updated: Dec 30, 2019

Welcomeback! You'll notice I'm posting quite often in the beginning of this blog and its for a few reasons:

1. I don't have homework for the next week.

2. Im excited and nervous to let people get to know me so they get the whole point of this blog.

3. I'm hiding from my son right now... LOL

Anyway, I told you about my childhood and how I left my parents ahead of schedule, but a lot happened after that!

When I moved to Lakeview, OR, it came with more growing pains. I moved in with my friend who I had known since around the second grade (from the last time I lived there) and we soon rented a house together. I had to get a job and quick! because I wasn't bringing anything to the table. First I worked at a burger/ice cream joint, then I worked for a mechanic shop. Lakeview was like heaven to me. It was everything before my life fell apart. I actually remember thinking for many years how much I wanted to go back.

Even though my friend and I didn't have much spare money after bills, we were happy. Of course we had our gripes and complaints, but it was never anything that would cost us our relationship. She took care of me. For once I felt safe again. The problem was that I brought all the broken with me. This is when I learned that you can't just "move on" without the hard work. I went to Lakeview with this idea that I would leave behind all the damage, but if you don't deal with them, your skeletons always come out of the closet.

This is when I noticed something different about my friend. She acted strange, had a strange look in her eye, and was frantic. Drugs. Now, I don't see things as, "she did this to herself". I convinced myself I plagued her with my back luck. This put a rift in our friendship because I didn't want to see an addiction unfold her in every way, but I needed to back off because I wasn't being a good friend; I was suffocating her. During our making of amends, our house caught on fire in our sleep. If I remember correctly, it was an electric fire and most of my stuff was ruined.

We stood outside as firefighters took over our home and it shook us both. We lived there for such a short time, but I made so many memories there. I took it all for granted. Soon enough we moved into a little apartment down the street and did our best to recover. I had an up and down relationship with my parents at this time. I can recall my mom and I getting in fights, but it was such a regular occurrence I don't even remember what it was about. I sat thinking at night many times about how perfect this little town was to me growing up. All I wanted for years was to go back and look what it turned into? The dark cloud followed me closely and I started to really worry. Was this all my life was? Living paycheck to paycheck? Drowning in alcohol? Drowning in sadness? My friend and I continued to fight and even though my parents and I had a rocky relationship, it was far more positive than anything at that time.

I knew I needed to go. I don't remember what I told everyone, but I'm sure it was some excuse to leave and not really how I felt. I just didn't think Lakeview was my dream anymore and I wished I would have left those childhood memories alone. So back to Winnemucca I went. My dad came and picked me up and off we went. I was back at my parents house ready to try again. I learned what the world was like and I just couldn't do it. I was 18 years old going back home to my mom and dad. I wasn't there long because of course, we got in another fight. I just couldn't be in a place in my life where no one accepted me as I was, a sexual assault surviver. I was tired of being silenced and told to move on when I hadn't healed yet. So I left. I didn't see it as I left my parents or that I did it in spite of anyone, I just felt like in order to fight for my identity, I had to remove myself from any place or person that wasn't capable of understanding me at the time. I stayed with a friend where I picked up a job here and there and I made enough money to get my own apartment; I was comfortable.

Comfortable but ready for more. It wasn't enough.

I was ready for more. I was ready to escape. I was ready to grow. Winnemucca couldn't give me that. I knew that I was capable of so much more in life and that there had to be a place where I could be loved for who I was and not how people wanted me to be. It was easier for everyone to just pretend I was never assaulted, but for me, forgetting made it all the more worse. So I made some calls and joined the Air Force. I worked for the State while I waited to leave. I was slotted for Basic Training in January 2015 and leaned heavily on my Aunt during this time. Her and I had grown incredibly close amongst all these huge things happening in my life and turning to her was always refreshing. I also was fortunate enough to have an old high school friend's parents on my side cheering me on. It was nice to feel I had a support team as I gave up my current life for a new one with the military.

As sad as I was, I left town a month early, stayed with my Aunt and prepared to leave to what I thought was the scariest place on earth: BMT. A new life. A start to a new me. A new Daisy. A new future. A new path.

Off I went. I erased who I once was. I erased everyone in my past. I erased everything I could except the small village that saw me off to my adventure. I just let go and for a while, it felt so good. It all sounds great right? The "great, new life" remained only for a little while. Why?

Remember when I said, if you don't deal with them, your skeletons will always come out of the closet...? Well, they did.

Stay tuned for more! The story doesn't end here! Just to add, there are more big things that have happened along life, but I'm currently taking you through the journey of ME. There are some big events that happened that affected me and many others and fully intend on sharing them, but some things deserve their own post! If you have any post ideas, hit the contact tab at the top, fill out the form and send me suggestions!

Thank you all for the overwhelming support so far!

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