I like things the way they are.
I listened to the same song tonight for 5 hours straight. I stood the entire time and never sat down. I walked outside a few times to embrace some fresh air, but never turned down the music, even though it was 2 in the morning.
I couldn't help but think about the last few years of my life and how they felt like a complete waste of time. But even though that's the drawn conclusion as a result of my pain, I somehow feel in a healthier state than I was years ago. I waited my entire life for someone to save me, but never realized how big of a weapon my heart is. I realized how capable I was to shake another individual's world.
I am able to make people fall in love without saying a word. I can wake up and decide if I want to make you feel special, important, or insignificant. I can decide. I can decide to come over to your house and pretend to listen to the things that you are passionate about, even though I'm wondering what someone else is thinking in that moment.
I know what it feels like to want my physical body to feel alive, and my psychological body to sit down and take a breath. With every person I encounter, I need to take a deep breath. I'm overwhelmed every time I feel the need to study yet another person, especially when they don't feel the need to study me.
But by God, study me? What if you look my direction and wonder what I'm thinking? Can you read my face and understand? Can you see the tears at bay? The tiredness, the confusion, the brokenness? Am I able to step forward without you feeling as though I am a liar?
And if you noticed the truth, would you hate me for lying?
But then could you distinguish the moments of confidence, pride, and happiness? Could you see the look on my face or hear the tone of my voice when I say I want to stay in the same moment forever?
Do you know what it looks like when I love the idea of someone like you? That listens to my heart as it screams all the secrets of my being? Or the hatred I have for those who ignore the cries my heart gives to this whole universe?
I didn't sleep until 3am because I wasn't sure if you could tell. To be fair, I didn't have anywhere to be today, it's not a crime that I was up too late, whether I was up thinking about things or not. I promise my thoughts are not destructive.
What if I told you I can't remember anything I did this week? Maybe everything I was doing was completely insignificant or maybe what I was doing was so mundane, I just couldn't remember anything I did. But either way, I cant tell you what I accomplished this week, but I can definitely tell you what's been on my mind.
Is saying goodbye to people we care about as bad as we think? What if we think it's beautiful? What if someone passes away and it was their time? What if they died doing something they loved? Would their presence on Earth be satisfied? Would we be satisfied?
Would you be able to wake up in the morning and be happy about it?
And what if they are still alive and we still had to say goodbye? Would we be as appreciative if they had just died? Or are we upset when they leave because we know they CHOSE not to be around us or keep us around?
People are meant to be in our life for limited chapters and it's a tragedy. We have to muster up a smile and keep moving forward, no matter what. We have to find a way to count our blessings and find happiness amongst adversity. We have to reach a point where we are happy, even through loss. We all find so many lessons from loss when someone's life comes to an end, but don't neglect the lessons that come from a loss of someone who is still alive.
Keep living, keep learning.
Even through loss and hard lessons, you're loved.