"I promise you this, no matter who enters your life, I will love you more than any of them."
I'm underwater. I wake up in a submerged vehicle to cold water wetting my ankles. How ironic that it looks like the same car my Grandma gave me years ago. As I carefully use my senses to absorb what's happening around me, sheer panic arises once I realize the water is rising incredibly fast. I can't even see where it's coming from. The water is so blue; the surface must be close because it's brighter than I would imagine it's supposed to be. I keep trying to think about ways to get out, rushing around the vehicle just to meet failure, after failure, after failure. At this point, I have to tilt my chin upwards in order to get air. I know exactly what this means. I have a good idea of what it feels like to drown and it's why I'm so afraid of the water. All I can think about, is childhood memories of swimming down as far as I could in the deep-end of the pool, and barely having enough air to come back up. It always made me feel light headed and my lungs burned because I was just too little to do it, but I wanted to be just like my brothers so I was reckless and tried anyway. Why does it feel like my entire life is flashing before my eyes? Why is this all I can think about? Why can't I focus on those I love?
I take my final breath and make it as big as possible. Exhausted. Cold. Tired. Dark.
"Mommy, wake up!", my Son yells happily.
I have this nightmare all the time. I wake up in so much sweat and it really sets the tone for the day. I honestly think it's because I've felt like that lately. Just drowning.
Selling my house, cutting ties from my past. Seriously questioning my choices in the last year and a half. Wanting to turn back time and figure out where things went wrong. Panicking about work, wondering if it's worth it to stay or move on. Wondering where the hell I belong because I feel so lost. And then, my brother commits suicide and I freaked out way more than you'd imagine, because just days ago I had to write down reasons why life IS worth it on my own behalf. I haven't slept much at all from unpacking my new house in a hurry because I have a test coming up. Suddenly realizing I had been saving parts of myself for people that don't give me a second thought.
All I can think about is Silence. Sleep. Tranquility. Balance. Consistency. All the things I don't have.
Why do I feel so much? Why does everything hurt me so deeply? How do I stop caring? When does it stop?
I had some conversations this past month, that were memorable for many reasons.
For the first time in my life, someone called a time-out to really pull me to the side. It was the first time someone pulled me out and asked me straight to my face if I was planning on committing suicide. Literally as I'm coordinating my brother's cremation that week. They told me they admire how resilient I am, but they are terrified what happens when I reach my breaking point. And it really made me stop and ask myself, "Am I REALLY okay?" It was scary to have a family member tearing up asking me these questions, and comforting to see how much they cared. It really made me stop devaluing how difficult things have been for me. Literally not a thing has been going right/the way it should. Not one thing has been easy. Don't be afraid to ask the question to your loved ones when they are struggling. Depression is a real BATTLE. Don't be afraid to lend a hand and help them see what they can't. Because I didn't realize how bad I was, until I was asked.
During all this time, I've had people lean on me. I've been through so much in my life, but more particularly, this last 2 years has been the hardest in my life thus far. So the big question I was asked: "How do you manage? When do things go back to normal?"
Never. Things literally will never be the same. We all are constantly evolving. If we have a battle with the universe because we were dealt some difficult cards, it alters our very being and we have to learn from it. It comes with a lot of negative energy. You're grieving the person you once were and wanting to go back to it. Your mad at the world for screwing you again. You're mad at God because if he really loved you, then why the heck would he do this to you? But instead of getting mad and feeling even more worthless, what if you channelled that energy elsewhere? Really unfortunate things happen everyday, but at least you can take all that energy and invest in it? I just focus on leaving people and places better than when I found it. I'm not perfect, but I do my best to do so. It's the only thing that keeps me going; I don't know why.
I love so deeply and that's why I'm hurting all the time. I give people little pieces of myself and it's like they feed from it, get reenergized and forget about me when they got what they needed. It sounds terrible, but it's actually a beautiful thing about myself that I don't want to change. I need to and I know that, but it's so difficult to imagine what type of person I would be if I didn't love so hard.
I'll fly across the universe to find you. I'll dig, scratch, and claw to erase your pain. I'll find all your beauty and pull it out of you and force you to look in the mirror so you are kinder to yourself. I'll wait and stay forever. I'll stay until you make me go away. I know, without a shadow of doubt, that once you are loved by me, you will NEVER be loved the same ever again. My love is scary. It makes people run from the hills because committing and reciprocating is just too hard for people. Friends fade, serious relationships turn into flings, family gets dreary and complacent. All because people are not capable of actually letting someone love them like that, and letting go of their fear to love back in the same way.
I move mountains.
It's so exhausting. I get so tired. Self care is staying home. Meeting new people is horrifying. Because what if I love them and they leave me too?
On one end, I feel "done". I feel like I can't put myself through another grueling experience of caring for someone so deeply again, just to be an afterthought. But on the other, I can't allow myself to let another person feel the way I do everyday. I leave people and places better than when I found them. I love you so hard and fill your cup, so you can move on your path. You are my story; I am just your chapter. I'm loved because I'm needed, and never needed because I'm loved. I do everything to prevent other peoples' pain. It's how and why I'm still here.
I move mountains for all of you. Because I don't want you to feel like me. Ever.