I was never on a quest to find a person in my life who could give me support. I don't think any of us really are when we think about it.
When we imagine a person who takes care of us, we always picture a safe place where we can be our most vulnerable. I've always been a try-hard in life, a "get out of my way" type personality, and I knew my worth for so long. I was and still am incredibly independent. I grew up in difficult situations and it enabled me to learn how to navigate different lifestyles. I've worked on farms, worked in mechanic shops, scratched and clawed to be better because I wanted to be where I am now: comfortable. But, people mistake this by saying, "Oh, she can take care of herself." Because of my life experiences, no one holds me when I'm scared, no one steers the way when I'm lost, and more often than not, I am forced to figure things out on my own all the time. It sucks to be that person sometimes. All the while I'm extremely resourceful, I'll figure it out eventually, and I am capable of making decisions on the spot, I still long for a person to rely on. A place where I can go to hang up my armor and shield, take a deep breath, and let someone else take the wheel and drive.
Although I've never "searched" for someone to fill that role for me, I definitely don't stick around for those who forget I have feelings. For me, it always feels like a battle and I'm fighting for people to understand that I too, am weak. I too, get tired.
I wish people remembered that NO ONE is good at everything. There is always someone bigger and badder than you. There is no one person in this world who can survive without the support of another person. Whether they are willing to admit it or not, they go to someone, somehow, and confide in them in some way, shape, or form. Everyone needs it. So why do those who always lend a hand end up being so lonely? Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am worth fighting for, even if I'm the only one fighting for myself. The lows get really low, but I refuse to stay there long. Here's the big question:
Is it worth the fight?
Absolutely. Fighting for what you deserve can be a lonely journey and it makes everybody and everything seem too far out of reach. You feel like you're in a dump! A lot of times, people give up on the fight for what is right because it's a very exhausting and disappointing. You expect more out of the people you surround yourself with. Maybe just a little bit of support. Once you've let someone in and they let you down, it's incredibly hard. But you have to remember your self-worth. You have to remember WHY you are where you are and what the big picture is. No one deserves to be alone. Not you, not me, not any one person. So why would any of us stop fighting for what we deserve? We have to be proud of who we are. We have to remember why we do what we do and cling on to the people who give us little bits of support until we can get our hands on someone or something that can do it consistently.
The sleepless nights won't be for too long. Not if you remember who you are and never let someone come between you and your values. Do whatever it takes. You are more than the Sun. Don't let anyone tell you anything different.