And Now, You're Just a Ghost...
Updated: Jan 23, 2020
You called again and I'm not surprised.
It took what felt like a million years to get over you. You name doesn't leave my lips anymore, my head isn't down, and I'm no longer afraid of your across-the-room looks. I don't think either of us have stopped to acknowledge what exactly went wrong, but somewhere down the line, I walked away broken; I was confused as to what state you were in when everything fell apart.
The timing was never right. It almost seemed like fate was never on our side. Whenever I was sure about you, you were distracted by other things and not willing to invest. As soon as I gave up, you would chase me all over again, always sending us into a spiral. I never knew what you wanted, but you promised me we'd figure it out. You promised me we'd be together. You promised me a future that neither you or I could reach.
I couldn't fix you. You were the most broken person I knew and I convinced myself that you needed me and told myself you just hadn't realized it yet. I answered your every call and came running to the rescue every time you were hurt. But you weren't hurt; you were bored. Once you didn't get what you wanted from who you wanted, I was your last resort. I convinced myself to be okay with that, because I convinced myself that you would realize that you needed me. But they days got longer and lonelier the more I waited.
You were unaware of your potential. You always said you were just some messed up guy who didn't deserve a soul. You thought that your life was supposed to be a merry-go-round. You didn't think you deserved to be happy and used that as the reason behind you always hurting me. I wanted to be there for the day you changed your mind. I wanted to experience your love at it's full force when you were ready to give it to someone. I figured if I stayed strong and waited it out, you would recognize me for what I did and choose me. But you never changed.
At some point, I had to see things for how they were and find out what moving on really meant for me. Did that mean I couldn't be your friend? Could I watch you love someone else? I had to take a step back and find out what I needed to do for me and stop thinking about you in the process. That's why I laid low and disappeared. Then came the very last time I ever came back.
After a long break, I was disappointed to discover myself in your house again. In your bed, watching movies and eating take-out. Again. All over again. What was this? Why me? This time you were serious. This time you actually wanted to be with me and you had had every revelation that I was wishing for. But it was too late!
You were like the boy who cried wolf. While you may have been serious, I remained unsure and cool to the whole situation. You were very manic. Very high highs and very low lows and in this moment, I was afraid we were riding a high that was soon to crash for the millionth time. The only difference is I didn't whole heartedly enjoy the time I had with you because I knew what it meant and I constantly questioned why I continued to do this to myself. All because I cared? What about me?
What about me? Why did you forget about me? You constantly pulled me in and left me mentally exhausted after deciding to push me away again. I couldn't handle it. And then came the static.
I watched seasons pass without you.
You disappeared before we went down crashing.
And never came back.
Once a year and a half passed of never seeing your car, passing by your house, and remembering our laughs, all the sudden you showed up in a Walmart and I didn't even live in town anymore. I was just passing through.
What happened? You looked... normal? But I wasn't. So I just kept walking and felt your stare once you realized that I was just in another isle. Now, it's been around six years and I have my own family and you want to call?
You don't get to ask how I'm doing. You don't get to comment. You don't get to do that. What happened anyway?
I've reached a point in my life where I don't feel the need to avoid you. Where I'm not afraid to run into you in a Walmart. I'm not afraid to say hello as I push past you. Because no one did anything wrong. Not in my eyes. You weren't ready and I was too willing. That's the end of the story.
But look, that doesn't mean you can call. So don't.
That's what happens when you let the wind change your mind.